Understanding

I don't understand. I am not meant to understand. But I wish I could. Things happen in our lives that just don't make sense or seem fair. My precious little sister and her family are hurting today. Most of you know their story. They have two sweet babies that passed away shortly after birth within the last two years. They were in the process of adopting baby Tess. The past few months they have prepared for her arrival and got to know the birth family. They brought Tess home from the hospital yesterday. The birthmom changed her mind last night. As an adoptive mom, and a mom who has experienced a failed adoption first hand, I can understand the heartache she is feeling today. It is such a surreal experience. Even though you don't birth the baby literally you birth the baby in your heart. Does that make sense? When I had to give back my first daughter my heart didn't know the difference. She was mine, I loved her. I had cared for her, fed her, changed her diapers. I had a room ready for her. My arms ached for a month afterward. I experienced a literal pain in my arms. This is the risk we take when we adopt. It is an awful risk, one that you just can't prepare for. I hate that my sister is now experiencing this kind of pain, especially after everything they have been through. I am praying that God will comfort them and that His name will be glorified through this. He has a wonderful plan for their family. He loves them and loves Tess and loves her birthmom. The Lord will be the one who sees them through this devastation. We, her friends and family, are called to be His hands and His feet right now. So if you think of them, pray. Maybe drop a line of encouragement on their blog. I want her to feel so loved right now during this time where they feel "forgotten."

I finally got to the place where I could accept what happened even though I didn't understand why. I felt called to pray for my baby and pray for her birthmom. Maybe she didn't have anyone else her life to lift her up. Maybe we planted seeds in her life. We will probably never know on this side of heaven. So for now I will just go on not understanding but trusting God.