On the Fence

Have you ever been on the fence about an issue in your life before? I am right now and it is so frustrating. I am pretty much a black and white kind of person so this is tough for me. (Not that this is a moral issue or anything.) People keep asking me what I am going to do about school next year with Madelyn since she will be in kindergarten. I keep saying I am not sure. Jarrett says she is going to school. Honestly, my thoughts on the issue can change from moment to moment. I want to be so sure of our decision and not vacillate back and forth. Once the decision is made I never want to look back, say "what if" or second guess myself. I have been praying and seeking guidance, I just don't feel like God is leading us one way or the other yet. Maybe by writing my thoughts down it will help me sort through stuff.

We have committed to homeschool Nathan next year for 2nd grade. Here is a little background on why we started homeschooling in the first place.

~Nathan was born at 24 weeks and had a major brain bleed. We have been his teachers at home since the beginning. He didn't just learn the simple things on his own like most babies. We could never take for granted the little things like rolling over or holding a spoon or drinking from a bottle, etc. Those skills had to be systematically taught at home and with therapy. Praise God, Nathan was able to reach all his milestones plus accomplish the ones the doctors told us he may never. I won't get into all the details of those preschool years but we quickly figured out that "traditional" school would probably not be a good fit for him. We tried kindergarten at public school and realized that after a few months Nathan's fire and passion for learning had been put out. This child who was eager to read and learn now dreaded going to school. He got a sad face sent home everyday because he couldn't get his name written 10 times in the allotted time or couldn't look the teacher in her eyes. I understand how that can frustrate a teacher who has 20 kids on 20 different levels all coming to school with different backgrounds. Let me just say I have taught kindergarten in public school so I truly understand that it is hard when you have children that don't "fit". I think that a kindergarten teachers job is to help all kids fall in love with learning and with school. That did not happen for my child. I was sad. I loved elementary school and I loved teaching it now I here I sat with a child who didn't "fit". God was calling us to bring Nathan home and I was kicking and screaming. I thought those homeschooling people were weird, had 100 kids each, baked their own bread, sewed their own clothes, live on communes, wore matching outfits, etc . God has a funny way of shattering our stereotypes. I met several homeschooling people at church who were"normal" and picked their brains about homeschooling. I thought I could do this until Nathan would "fit".

We finished kindergarten at home and he blossomed. But still I struggled deciding what to do for first grade. Our goal was to send him to public school at some point. Most people start homeschooling for different reasons than we did. From my perspective, (which is probably not right) it seems the decision to HS is easy for other people.

We prayed and felt like he wasn't ready. He could handle the academics it was all the other stuff you have to handle at school that he wasn't ready for. Plus, I discovered that we could move at his pace. We finished the entire first grade reading curriculum in 2 months. We moved slower in areas he was less interested in or struggled in. Our community has a ton of social opportunities for homeschoolers so he was getting art, PE,history, and library all with other kids his age. We attended several field trips as well. Another HUGE benefit was that I could include God in everything we did. I could instill little lessons all through out the day about what we believe and why. In addition any sinful behaviors or attitudes that were being shown could be dealt with right away. I also have control with who he hangs out with at this point. Jarrett and I want to lay a solid foundation so when he leaves us he will be set apart and be able to stand firm on Biblical truths. We learned that people matter to God and sometimes taking care of people is more important than a math or history lesson. (Mom had a harder time with this than son!) So, I guess my point is, is that I am now homeschooling for more than just the reasons we started with. It is not all about Nathan's special needs anymore. It is so much more!

On the flip side, there are times I fantasize about sending them to school and having me time. I dream about going back to work so I can help save for college, pay for gymnastics and piano lessons and braces. Why does that sound so selfish to me? I tell myself the lie that they would be getting a better education in government schools. I tell myself I am not qualified to be doing this. I tell myself that I am not doing enough with them. Oh, how Satan attacks our minds. I so desperately want to do what is best for my kids, for the children God has entrusted to my care.

Back to Madelyn. So here we are June 1st and I can't tell her where she is going next year because I am on the fence. She is the type of child that would love "traditional" school. She is so outgoing and loved preschool. She was sad the days they didn't have it. She acted better for the teachers than for me. Part of me wants her to go. Why is that? I am a little afraid to be totally responsible for 2 academic educations. I am afraid that I can't give her everything that she "should" have for a great kindergarten experience. I am afraid. I am afraid I will fail her. But I am also scared to send her. I still want to be her primary influence in her life. I want her to love God with all her heart before I send her out into the "world". I want more than a "school" can give her. They will have her for her best hours of the day. I will have her at home when she is tired and grumpy. Ok, I am sorry I am rambling. I have so much more to say, but I will save it for later. Please pray for clarity and peace on this issue.